It Must Be Love!...or maybe not

When does "I love you" come too late?

2006-11-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

While other couples are declaring their love like it’s no big deal, for some of us, it is a big deal. And the waiting game makes it an even bigger deal. The problem is that I know M. Perfect loves me, but he just won’t say it. How do I know? Because he told me so after a night of clubbing when he was rather drunk…in vino veritas.

M. Perfect: My brother had a good time tonight. He was even talking to some girls. [delivered in a slurred drawl]

Me: What?! Your brother? He’s married!

M. Perfect: Oh, not like that. He was just chatting. He’s totally in love with his wife. Just like me.

Me: You’re in love with your brother’s wife? [ever the smartass]

M. Perfect: No, someone else.

Me: Let me stop you right there. Perhaps you should have this conversation when you’re sober.

So unless he’s still in love with Ms. Ghost, hopefully that means he’s in love with me. But this conversation took place over a month ago, and still no sober confessions.

On Thanksgiving, I almost accidentally blurted out those three little words. We were cooking dinner for his family and it was almost 2 in the afternoon and M. Perfect had gone out to buy last minute groceries. He came back with groceries, of course…and a cup of coffee. Such a little gesture, but I was sooo happy. I’m addicted to my morning coffee and it was already 2 in the afternoon and I was starting to have withdrawal.

I jumped up from the couch, grabbed the coffee, and said, "I love…" Then I realized what I was about to say and panicked. What do I do? What do I say now? And the longer I thought about it, the longer the pause. And then the voice in my head said, "Just say something!" So I finished my statement with "this coffee." Yep. "I love…(long pause) this coffee."

Stupid, huh? How could I almost blurt that out? Well, it’s rather simple. I’ve said those three little words so many times in my head that it seemed so natural. Out loud to M. Perfect is of course slightly different. I don’t know if he noticed or not. Guess I’ll ask him one day if he ever decides to actually tell me he loves me. In the meantime, I’ll just keep on waiting…

When does “I love you” come too soon?

2006-11-16T00:10:00.000-08:00

You always hear about these whirlwind romances – boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, they go out on one date, fall madly in love, and live happily ever after…or some variation of this fairytale. One of my good friends is a “good guy” (see previous post) and he’s been looking for “The One” for the last year or so…and I mean, really really looking. He’s also extremely picky and Asian, so he’s very screwed. 1) There’s not a lot of Asian girls that meet his standards, and 2) There’s not a lot of hot Asian girls that want Asian boys.

But he finally found one and she’s adorable and I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more than he does. He saw her on MySpace, thought she was cute and started chatting her up online. They went out on one date and have been inseparable ever since.

When I had dinner with him the other night, I asked if he had said “I love you” yet. And he had, but she actually said it first. I was shocked; a girl saying “I love you” first seems like a such a cliché and breaks all the rules that we live by. It gets even funnier…

Me: Wow, she said ‘I love you’ first?

Mr. Good Guy: Yeah, she said it accidentally. We were just chatting about and she just blurted it out.

Me: When was this?

Mr. Good Guy: A week after we started dating.

(My jaw drops to the floor at this point. When I pick it up, we continue the conversation…)

Me: Did you say it back?

Mr. Good Guy: No, I wasn’t ready.

Me: That must have been really awkward. What did you say?

Mr. Good Guy: That I really liked her, but wasn’t ready to say it just yet.

Me: So when did you finally say it?

Mr. Good Guy: (Laughs) Later that day.

I don’t know what I find the most surprising – that she said it first, that he didn’t say it back, that it was a week into the relationship, or that he said it later that day. Can you really know if you love someone a week after you met them? On the flip side, can you date someone for 9 months and not say “I love you” as McDreamy did (see previous post)? When does “I love you” come too soon?

The Dealbreakers

2006-11-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

Whenever we date someone new, we look for the dealbreakers...the tell-tale signs that send us running for the nearest exit. But are dealbreakers really dealbreakers if we meet Mr. Right?

In the beginning, our dealbreakers just help us weed out the freakshows, criminals, and sleazebags (although not so much in my case):

Asking us to pay for dinner because he ran out of cash (or some other lame excuse)
Answering his cell phone during the date (he’s not that important)
Bad table manners (was he raised by wolves?)
Littering the conversation with four-letter words (learn to use your words!)

Once they get past the initial three dates or so, we start thinking about them in terms of long-term potential. Do they have any dealbreakers for us? Do we have any dealbreakers for them?

Mine:

If he wants to have children
If he wants to have LOTS of children
If he doesn’t love dogs
If he lacks ambition

M. Perfect’s:

If his family hates her
If his friends hate her
If she dresses poorly

Now that I’ve decided M. Perfect is Mr. Right, is it still a dealbreaker that he wants to have children? Not just one, but 3 children! Not surprisingly, the answer is “no”.

There are no dealbreakers once Mr. Right comes along. And it’s not just me…my roommate has a strict “meat eater = dealbreaker” policy that she is considering rescinding given that her Mr. Right has entered the picture.

Those who are not willing to compromise – my friend who must raise her children Jewish and disallows any pork in the house, my Asian friend who must marry another Asian to appease her mother, my friend that must marry someone who makes at least $250,000 – may look back and regret losing their Mr. Right to someone who views a relationship as a partnership, not a dictatorship.

The only dealbreaker that should last and the only reason to walk is if he/she doesn’t make you happy.

“I love you. You’re perfect. Now Change!”

2006-11-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

If you see my friend Meredith these days, she’s in this constant state of bliss. Nothing could really ruin her mood. Meredith is either cooking for M. Perfect or he’s cooking for her. They go on dates. They talk about vacations together in the distant future. Some are even happening a year from now!! They spend weekends at M. Perfect’s dad’s place. Meredith picks up M. Perfect’s laundry while M. Perfect picks up a laptop screen cleaner for Meredith. Sounds like a couple to me!! M. Perfect and Meredith are exclusive and only seem to have eyes for each other these days. Exclusivity is important especially while trying to evaluate if a person is the “one”. This would push both people to think realistically about the relationship and really go through the four phases of relationship evolution. I think it’s about time to discuss those.

Phase 1. “He’s perfect.. He could do no wrong…”

When we first fall in love, everything that the new boy does is just absolutely perfect!. We love everything about him. Even those things that we usually find very annoying, are actually ok in this case.. During those first few months of ultimate dating bliss, I’ve heard girls say: “he’s so cute, licks his fingers clean after picking food off of my plate”, “Absolutely love how he can not make up his mind and calls me to discuss”, or “He’s so spontaneous, will pay whatever when he’s gotta have something!”. Ummm.. some things may be cute and some are just pure flags that we ignore because we’re so overwhelmed by the flutter of the butterflies in our stomachs!!

Phase 2. “How did I ever think that his non-planning, non-committal ways are actually cute and charming?”

After the butterflies manage to find a place to rest. We start thinking that the guy has changed.. that the true him is coming out. In reality, we were oblivious to the true him when we were first dating. We’re so taken by the novelty of it that, frankly, has nothing to do with the boy. It’s the novelty that comes with starting anything new. Now we see the flags, and some of these flags are in direct opposition to our preferences, even to our values. What should we do?? Do we start running the other way? Well, this doesn’t mean that there isn’t real substance to this person we’ve fallen for. Usually we end up compromising on these little issues. We learn to deal with them because we think that this guy is worth it.

Phase 3. “He wants kids????”

Oh my god! What happened?? How come we never discussed this early on? Well, at this point you’ve gotten to know the guy well enough to start having a real appreciation for their beliefs, values, future dreams, and all those very important things that make up a person! Some, obviously, are not going to line up with our line items. This is when fundamental discussions take place. This is where the threat of a real break up looms. A mix of shock and worry about losing yourself in a relationship will usually stand in your way of evaluating what matters and what doesn’t.

Phase 4. “I love you. You’re perfect. Now Change!!”

If you’ve stuck around this far, you’re at a point where you’ve gotten over your shock and you’re ready to remember all the real things that you actually love about this boy. He’s really great in all these other ways but we need to figure out how to deal with those few things that we don’t think we can live with! You might be wondering if you’ll have to do all the changing and compromising. Of course not. If he’s a good guy, he too will be going through this phase thinking about what really matters and where he could compromise and make concessions.

Basically, all relationships go through these four phases. The tricky part is the timing of these phases. Some people get married before going through all those phases which means that if going through phases 3 and 4 is unsuccessful, this may lead to an ugly divorce and much heart break. From talking to many women, it seems like going through all phases takes around 18 to 30 months. Obviously, this may vary depending on circumstance. So make sure you’re aware of where you’re at and don’t jump into even a more serious commitment too soon.

You, Me and Bunny Makes Three

2006-10-25T22:45:00.000-07:00

It’s not a typo. I actually do mean “You, Me and Bunny Makes Three”…not “You, Me and Baby Makes Three.” This past weekend M. Perfect and I took his little niece to Toys ‘R Us so she could pick out her own birthday gift. She’s absolutely adorable…curly blond hair, perfectly round face, well-mannered in a way that only well-bred children can be…a little fashionista with her cowboy boots and denim skirt. If I wanted kids, she’d be exactly what I would want. But did my uterus skip a beat? Not exactly, but it did cringe a little. Perhaps it’s the life stage I’m at or perhaps it’s a life choice, but I’ll take bunnies over children any day.

Of course, I don’t mean the Bugs Bunny kind of bunny. I mean “The Rabbit” kind of bunny. And it’s a fantastic and magical day when you introduce your guy to your Rabbit. You hope that any reasonable guy will invite The Rabbit into your late-night activities, rather than freak out about your extracurricular activities. And M. Perfect did not disappoint.

For any woman who has trouble reaching “The Big O” during intercourse (which is almost every woman I know), this is a viable alternative. No more staying at home or hiding to play with The Rabbit in private. No more sex without an orgasm. Now we really can have our cake and eat it too.

M. Perfect was pretty pleased too, and that’s how a good guy should feel about your first orgasm, even if it came with a little help. He is absolutely the most fantastic lover ever, but it’s just really hard for me to have an orgasm. He’s so good it takes my breath away…just thinking about it makes me want to stop writing and call him up for a booty call. Wait, I digress. Anyway, when we included The Rabbit in our repertoire, it took all of 10 seconds. Let me repeat, 10 seconds. And that was the first one. The second one was even better and lasted for what felt like minutes. Okay, I’m getting pretty distracted now, so let me leave you with a few concluding remarks.

You, Me and Baby = Three’s a Crowd

You, Me and Bunny = Three’s Company

Now there’s a ménage-a-trois I can get down with...or get off with.

Definition, Not Love, Makes the World Go Round

2006-09-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, it’s official…M. Perfect and I are a couple. It took a long, long time, but we’ve finally defined the relationship. We spent the weekend at M. Perfect’s dad’s home with most of his family and everything was perfectly couplehood bliss. We had all gone grocery shopping together, cooked together, had a picnic, and generally enjoyed having a low-key weekend chatting and hanging out.

On our way home, M. Perfect confessed that his ex, Ms. Ghost, had only hung out with his family twice. I was shocked…in two years, she had only met his family twice. I had already spent two weekends at his dad’s, met his mom once, and hung out with his brother a handful of times. This seemed promising. If he’s comfortable with me hanging out with his family, did this mean he was ready for more?

Later that night, we finally had the defining the relationship (DTR) talk (again):

Me: So tell me about your last date…

M. Perfect: It was a while ago. Probably about two months ago. What do you want to know?

Me: How did it happen? Did you ask her out? Did she ask you out?

M. Perfect: Usually through friends of friends. One of us might say, “We should grab dinner sometime,” but I never wanted anything to happen. It was just nice meeting new people. I would tell them that I was already seeing you.

Me: Oh. But you haven’t been on a date in 2 months? Why?

M. Perfect: I guess I didn’t want to. We spend so much time together and I’ve been so busy with work. How about you? When was your last date?

Me: Uhh...(long pause)…about two weeks ago. (At this point, mentioning that it was Match.com date is probably not a good idea.)

M. Perfect: It’s okay, I trust you.

Me: What exactly do you trust me to do or not to do? We’re not exclusive. We have no commitment to each other.

M. Perfect: I still trust you.

Me: So does the fact that we’re not dating anyone else mean that we’re exclusive?

M. Perfect: In my mind, we have been exclusive.

Me: But just because you act like you’re exclusive doesn’t mean you want to be. Intention is not the same as behavior.

So I guess we’re exclusive, but I still have no idea whether he wanted to be or not. How is it that we talk for hours and hours, but we have no idea what the other person said?

What I think I heard is that we are exclusive and have been for a while. All we’ve done is defined it.

It’s a small, small world...

2006-09-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia, San Francisco has a population of roughly 750,000 and is the second most densely populated city in the

U.S.

There are a LOT of people here. I’ve heard a rumor that you could go to a different restaurant every night for the rest of your life and never eat at the same place twice. How is it possible that I can avoid eating at the same restaurant, but I can’t seem to stay away from people who just know a little too much about me? Why does the world sometime seem so small?

I went to a birthday party at Swig the other night for a good friend from school. He has a lot of friends, having been born and raised in the Bay Area and then working for many years here. I was chatting and dancing with my drunken friend and his friend from work, Amy, and her friend, Mr. Brief Encounter. The friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, Mr. Brief Encounter, started chatting with me – he was friendly, flirtatious, and nice. He called me violent and socially irresponsible in a teasing way. It was one of those conversations that’s fun and entertaining but totally forgettable when it’s over…just something to do to pass the time.

Well, it’s forgettable until it shows up in your email…

This is a first.

We met the other night at Swig (you forswearing community service, me expounding, perhaps tediously, on the virtues of charity). While I doubt either of us thought too much of the brief talk, you did mention a penchant for weaponry, and a distant bell went off somewhere in my head. When I realized the next day that I had "met" you before, via what is likely the only profile this side of Asia making mention of your martial arts style, I took a closer look, and I thought you sounded cool enough to almost be forgiven for not having a social conscience. :)

I still have no idea why a single woman in graduate school would choose to play on the relatively level playing field of online dating, but if you check out my profile and anything strikes you, let me know. At the very least, I think I remember you saying you just moved to the Mission hood, so if you need someone to help you keep up the torrid pace of going out 4-5 nights a week, I might be able to help.

-Mr. Brief Encounter

Okay, very, very cute email. Lots of bonus points for that. But, he already knows way too much. In my book, knowledge is power and right now, he has too much.

Sometimes I forget that I have a Match.com profile out there and that it is a personal ad. And perhaps everyone and their brothers have looked at this ad and I don’t know about it. And I have no control over this information outflow. This world is just too freaking small!

Perhaps Disney knows a thing or two about dating…

Not all traits are created equal

2006-09-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

Oh love, love, love… What happened to that checklist we used to hold dear and near to our hearts? It’s a lot easier when we speak in theoretical terms.. when we aren’t in a relationship.. “Oh, if he doesn’t call me after our date and set our next date, then I’m calling it quits” How about when it’s even a bit more critical like exclusivity? “He must not be that into me if he’s not willing to commit!” Well it’s really not that black and white and in this day and age (age here referring to our age!), we should be less idealistic. Under perfect circumstances, yes, men would know from the first date (and so would we) if this relationship is meant to go forward and if so, we’d be in a long-term relationship, no games played, no questions asked. It’s the gray spectrum that rules probably 98% of the situations.

Sometimes we need to decide that a guy is worth tweaking our checklist for, not for his sake really but for ours. Sometimes, our man makes us realize that certain qualities are more important than others and that it’s ok if he doesn’t call everyday if he’s there to talk every time we’re not feeling so hot and makes us feel like the most special person in the world. It’s ok if these times start counting for much more. That’s the way it should be and then we can give guys some slack when they don’t do so well in these other areas that really at the end of the day don’t count for much. Not all traits are created equal. We should probably create an equation for perfection that’s a weighted average of all traits on our checklist. Yes, an average that’s as close as possible to 100% is of course desirable but to be realistic we’re all prone to imperfection and error. Otherwise, half the men if not more would be declared unsuitable for us or just clearly defective.. If you think about it, calling M. Perfect by that name is really setting him up for failure unless we adjust our definition of perfect to allow for 70 or 80% perfection rather than 100% perfection.

Aaaah… M. Perfect! He’s indeed a great guy. Having known him for a long time, I can definitely vouch for that. Yet, sometimes guys hesitate and don’t really know their own hearts. Not every guy will know from day one and if he doesn’t know, that doesn’t mean he’s not the one. I’m by no means saying he IS the one for Meredith, but I’m saying he’s worth waiting for and he’s worth giving a break.

Waiting for Godot...

2006-08-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

I’ll go back to my first point in my first blog entry…“It's 2006 and the liberated single women of the world (or at least in San Francisco) can say and do whatever we want.” In that first blog entry, I reflected on what we could not say. Today, while I sit at the airport and wait, I’m going to take a moment and reflect on what we cannot do. This is a lifestyle, not by choice, but a lifestyle nevertheless. In the workplace, we can be assertive, and sometimes aggressive, to prove that we are worthy of breaking that glass ceiling…that we can play with the big boys…that we deserve that corner office.

I wonder if Meg Whitman or Hillary Clinton or Indra Nooyia, all successful and confident women, ever waited for a guy to call after a date, bring up the defining the relationship (DTR) talk, or drop down on one knee and propose. I bet they have…

Why does it feel like we spend more of our time waiting for something to happen to us than making something happen for us?

While I sit at the airport and wait in very eager anticipation the arrival of M. Perfect after his business trip, my adrenalin kicks in and I become more and more anxious and happy that this waiting is almost over. But the other waiting is not…I wait for a phone call. I wait for Latin Heat’s email (although that I do not really care about him). I wait for M. Perfect to commit. And I wait for M. Perfect to come home.

The famous ending to the play Waiting for Godot:

Vladimir: Well, shall we go?

Estragon: Yes, let's go.

They do not move.

What compels them and us to stay and wait? The hope that tomorrow the waiting will end? What makes us believe that tomorrow is any different from today?

So if I’m sitting here, literally and figuratively, waiting for him, the question remains, “what is he waiting for?” I have no good answer for that and it may be that I don’t really want to know the answer.

Soon, the day will come when I cannot wait any longer. But today, I know that when he steps off that plane, he will be surprised and excited to see me there waiting for him. And I wonder how he’ll feel when that day comes and the only thing waiting for him is a memory.

While the Cat’s away, the Rabbit will play…

2006-08-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

Based on the recommendations of my girlfriends and Sex and the City, I bought a Rabbit after the abrupt ending of my non-relationship with Chicken. By spending less than $100, I lost a Chicken and gained an orgasm…or two or three, depending on how greedy I felt on a given night.

The Rabbit is superior to a man on so many levels…1) It’s a sure thing…you know you’re going to have a very happy ending that night, 2) It’s always available…never tired, never has a meeting the next morning, never hanging out with the boys, 3) With all the swiveling, and vibrating, it can physically do things that even the most experienced man cannot, and 4) It never says things like “I want to see other people.”

If you don’t have one, you need to go to Amazon.com right now and buy one. Right now!

Here’s the question: If it’s so great, why has the Rabbit been hibernating for the last six months? This is probably one of the most condemning pieces of evidence that I cannot have sex without emotional involvement. Ever since I started dating M. Perfect, the Rabbit has been taking a very long nap. Now that M. Perfect is thousands of miles away, the Rabbit is once again out and about and having a great time. But I’ll still take an hour with M. Perfect (even without an orgasm) over the sure-thing that is the Rabbit any day.

Why? Because the Rabbit doesn’t cuddle with you when it’s over. The Rabbit doesn’t tell you that you’re beautiful or cook you fancy dinners. The Rabbit can’t be your last-minute date for a wedding. The Rabbit can’t salsa with you or make you laugh or cry.

In a pinch, though, the Rabbit is great. Ideally, we’d all have a Cat (that is mostly here with us) and a Rabbit (for those times when the Cat’s away), and we’d definitely, definitely get rid of all the Chickens.

Are men purposely vague or do they just not know how to communicate?

2006-08-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

Latin Heat sent me an email last night:

Hi Meredith,

It was great meeting you last night - it's a little unnerving just how much we have in common. Let me know if you'd like to do it again.

& let me know how your presentation goes.

Good luck,
Latin Heat

Bonus point for sending an email the day after the date. Bonus point for remembering that I had a very important presentation that I was nervous about.

Loses a point for sending an email instead of calling. According to He’s Just Not That Into You, the boy is supposed to pick up the phone and call! Loses a point for vagueness in his email. What does “Let me know if you’d like to do it again” mean? Does that mean he wants to do it again and doesn’t want to come across as pushy? Or does that mean that he could go either way and it’s up to me?

Learn to communicate!!!

My response:

Hey Latin Heat,

So if we have a lot in common, does that mean you’re a dork, too? :)

I had a good time. I’d be up for hanging out again. What does your schedule look like?

Presentation went well…I’m just relieved that it’s over.

-M

How do guys mark their territory?

2006-08-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this by saying there is no urination involved. Everyone can relax…I’m speaking metaphorically.

I hadn’t heard from M. Perfect for over 24 hours and he sent me the cutest text message just two hours before my big date. “Good evening…Going to meetings. Needed you last night. ;-)” So cute, right? And it put him right back on top of the pedestal, and my looming date somewhere else.

I think guys have a sixth sense about this. They just know when to call or text or email so they screw with your head…to make it that much harder for another guy to move into his territory. Before my last date (with The Architect), M. Perfect called me three times in one day, all of which were ignored. And when I was dating Chicken (whom I saw maybe once a week), he seemed to be around every single time The Doc called.

So I started my date thinking about M. Perfect instead of Latin Heat (that’s my nickname for the guy from Match.com), but quickly returned to the correct state of mind. I met up with him at the Latin America Club in the Mission, which serves really strong drinks. He was a few minutes late, but I didn’t know if I had the time wrong or if he was just running late because I told him I’m perpetually late.

The Look: Black pants, black sweater, tanned skin, beautiful eyes, and he looks better in person than in his pictures

The Background: Latin, from Chicago, undergrad at Tufts, graduate program in France, works at one of the hottest tech companies in the Bay Area

The Personality: A little flirtatious, well-spoken and well-educated, outgoing, fun, adventurous (mountain biking, traveling, rock climbing), tells great stories (3 extra bonus points for that)

The conversation flowed easily and before we knew it, it was already 11:00. Three hours and four vodka tonics later, I’d say it was a really good first date. No awkward moments…except when he called me a dork because I got really animated and excited discussing some new software. But he said it was an endearing quality (I think he likes that word), at least in San Francisco.

He walked me home and I can’t even remember if we hugged. We certainly didn’t kiss. I don’t know if there was any chemistry there or not, but I had a really good time. It’s almost like dating myself in a man’s body…we have so much in common.

Afterwards, I chatted with my roommates about Latin Heat and all his great qualities. I’d go out with him again if he asked, but I don’t know if he’s boyfriend or best friend material. When my roomies asked about my overall impression, my first comment was, “He’s not M. Perfect.” And that pretty much sums it up…Even the greatest guy isn’t M. Perfect. He’s marked me somehow and I neither want to erase that mark or know how to.

But I wonder if I’ll ever hear from Latin Heat again or if he can somehow sense that I’ve been marked. I wonder if he knows that, metaphorically, I already belong to someone else.

Superman's kryptonite

2006-08-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

I was hanging out with Meredith after a nice dinner we cooked, talking about one of Meredith’s favorite subjects: Chicken’s shortcomings (um.. no pun intended). It’s amazing how much men care about their performance in bed and about women’s perception of their performance.. even though a fact much too familiar, it still manages to surprise me every time. Meredith describes Chicken as someone who can truly “make the best out of what he has.” Definitely a statement that can be construed (or misconstrued) in many ways. Apparently, he can spend a good amount leading up to the act but then the act is quick, lasting a few minutes. I was quite surprised to hear that knowing Chicken’s cocky attitude and overconfidence. I truly say that lovingly about my dear friend Chicken. It’s a part of his charm and what makes women so attracted to him. It makes me wonder though, how long can he get away with that? He truly does not want to piss off the women he’s with. Or is it because he’s not in it for the long haul? He doesn’t care that much about keeping the girl of the moment perfectly satisfied knowing he has many girls of the moment. Oh, do I see the long tail phenomenon manifesting itself?

On the Long Tail, Wikipedia says:

"In these distributions a high-frequency or high-amplitude population is followed by a low-frequency or low-amplitude population which gradually "tails off". In many cases the infrequent or low-amplitude events—the long tail, represented here by the yellow portion of the graph—can cumulatively outnumber or outweigh the initial portion of the graph, such that in aggregate they comprise the majority. " (The yellow part is the Long Tail)

What does all this geek-talk mean? It means, Chicken could have one girl who can give him many intimate experiences or he could get many girls that give him few experiences each yet collectively are much more experiences than the stream he would get from one devoted relationship. Frankly, brilliant!

Going back to performance – my friend Meredith, on her first steamy night with Chicken, not deliberately, managed to hand Chicken his own Kryptonite: a Novocain-coated condom! Suposedly, a Novocaine-coated condom is to numb the penis allowing a guy to last longer in the act. Saying the least, Chicken had to come back the following day with his own pack of condoms to finish, or even start, what he attempted the evening before… Moral of the story, even sex Supermen have Kryptonites! It’s good for them to be reminded every once in a while that they need much more than their prowess to save their image in our eyes – they can’t really hide behind that deflated member, can they now?!

While the cat’s away, the mice will play…

2006-08-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, proverbs exist for a reason – because they’re true. So while M. Perfect is working extra long hours on his whirlwind business trip, this mouse is going to do a little playing tonight. Now, before everyone gets all upset with me, I want to remind y’all that M. Perfect and I are not exclusive, so technically, I’m not doing anything wrong.

Tonight, I have a date with a very hot guy that emailed me from Match.com. So far, his emails have been flirtatious and very cute:

In his first email:

“You're quite attractive and so it's clear I'm responding largely because of your pictures, which makes me feel like a cad.”

When I finally replied after two weeks:

I'm sure you're worth the wait - you must have a backlog of messages.

Okay, tip to all the men: flattery gets you everywhere!

After a string of emails over the weekend, we finally decided to meet up tonight. It sounds like we’ll have a lot to talk about…he’s already completed the graduate program that I’m in (but in France!), he just moved into my neighborhood about 2 blocks away from me, and he works in the same function in the same industry but for a competitor about 2 miles away from my office. He’s flirtatious and he’s hot (at least in his pictures), which really appeal to my shallow side.

Even though I can’t stop thinking about M. Perfect and when we’ll get a chance to talk again, this is a good distraction…a very good distraction. I haven’t been excited about a first date in 6 months!

Am I a cactus personified? Do I thrive on neglect?

2006-08-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a fabulous vacation...to a very dead plant. M. Perfect had given me a plant with beautiful purple flowers a couple months ago and I managed to kill it. Well, to be honest, it was on its way to plant heaven before I went on vacation but there was still some small shrivel of hope.

When I told M. Perfect that I killed his plant, he said that was easily fixed. And last night, he showed up with this exotic-looking plant with a very large pink flower. It was really pretty, but the best part was when he so proudly read the care instructions to me:

“This plant only needs to be watered twice a month, so even you can’t kill it. This plant is perfect for you…It says right here that it thrives on neglect.”

Later that night, we were lying in bed, looking at the flower, and he says, “I think it’s a cactus.” And I respond with my best sarcastic tone, “How romantic.”

In the plant-relationship metaphor, all women know that red roses mean love, daisies mean friendship, and carnations mean cheap. Now we have a new one…cactuses mean neglect.

My friend says that if M. Perfect did commit to me and gave me everything I needed, I would have ran for the hills a long time ago. By holding something back and showing a little neglect, he’s kept me interested a lot longer than anyone else. But as long as he keeps a little distance, I keep going back for more. Am I a cactus personified? Do I thrive on neglect?

2006-08-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

Bad boys are just more fun..

We love how exciting it is to be around them. They’ll do things like grab you while in the car and make love to you right there in bright day light or even pull you into a public bathroom and show you an adrenalin rush you’ve never witnessed before.. the unpredictability, the ups and downs, the pure mischief and spontaneity.. What is there not to love?

Well, there’s a lot not to love.. usually those fun bad boys are also players. How can they be bad and playful if they’re devoted to one woman? Obviously, they can’t.. even when they do tell you things like “this is the stuff that movies are made of.” They’re going to use any line on you to get you to do what they want you to do.. those are truly successful bad boys. They’re good at what they do.. we almost know they’re playing us and we LOVE it. How do they do it? Experiencing them is like experiencing a drug.. the more we consume, the more we want. Somebody like Chicken is probably one of the best manifestations. When he’s with you, he makes you feel like there’s no better place to be than to be with you. He’s adoring, attentive, makes you feel like you’re the most special thing to him.. In the meantime, he’s making 2, 3, 4 other girls feel exactly the same way: special. What’s even funnier, we start to think of them as sexy and hot – almost redefining our ideas of sexy and hot.. drug, I tell you!

When we’re aware of their “player” side, we almost want them more because they’re unattainable and we’ve become hooked on that charm. We also refuse to believe that we’re not really that special to them. We like to think we can convert them and make good men out of them; we assume that because we are very special, somebody like Chicken will change his ways and be forever devoted to us. You know deep down it’s not going to happen and you’ll keep trying until one day.. he moves on and breaks your heart, taking responsibility for absolutely nothing.. “We are just hanging out.” and “I don’t think I can give you what you truly deserve.” Still charming in those last few words.

Recipe for Chicken Horn Balls

2006-08-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

Yoda and I are so funny sometimes. We crack ourselves up. Here we are having a conversation about Chicken…

Yoda: and then got together with Chicken

Yoda: to catch up

Yoda: funny funny funny guy

Me: oh god

Me: how was that?

Yoda: ummm

Yoda: interesting

Me: why interesting?

Yoda: I mean we had an awesome time

Yoda: he's had such a great summer

Yoda: and it was fun to hear all about it and catch up

Yoda: and then right when he's done telling me about moving in with his girlfriend

Yoda: he tried one last time

Yoda: to get with me

Yoda: so weird

Yoda: not much of a surprise there

Yoda: I guess I hoped he was all well behaved now

Me: omg...lol

Me: he's such a weasel

Me: but a predictable one

Yoda: Total weasel

Me: but it's nice to know that some things never change

Yoda: he's funny

Yoda: I was like…don't you feel guilty

Yoda: you just told this girl to move out here

Yoda: and he goes

Yoda: she's not here yet

Me: omg!

Me: total cad

Me: i would hate to be his girlfriend

Yoda: he'll probably be great

Yoda: once she moves out

Yoda: I guess until then…avoid Chicken at all costs

Yoda: heehee

Yoda: Chicken wanted to convince me to show him my place yesterday

Yoda: ummm.... frankly I don't trust him in my place

Me: very smart move

Yoda: he's just weird

Yoda: horn ball

Me: chicken horn ball

Me: i should invent a new recipe

Yoda: what kinda recipe?

Me: well, it should definitely have some pig

Me: and cheese - Chicken can be kinda cheesy with his lines sometimes

Me: chicken, cheese, and pig rolled into a ball, fried so it's bad for you and dipped in a very hot/spicy sauce

Yoda: hahahahahhahah

Yoda: cheesy?

Yoda: like what?

Me: one of his lines…"this is the stuff that movies are made of"

Yoda: hahahhahhaha

Me: Recipe for Chicken Horn Balls!

What’s so great about bad boys?

2006-07-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

A very good (male) friend of mine, who happens to be one of the good guys, once said to me, “You’re the kind of girl that makes good guys want to kill themselves.” I’m not quite sure what he meant by that but I’m going to assume that he was referring to the fact that good guys tend to like me because I appear to be a pretty nice girl, but I really, really (and I mean really) like bad boys. I’m drawn to guys that ride motorcycles, who shoot guns, who date eight women at a time, who are playas. I admit that a part of me hopes to be the one to tame them…the one who makes them want to stop being a playa, but other than that, what’s the draw? What’s so great about bad boys? Shouldn’t I prefer a guy who treats me with respect over a guy who throws caution (and possibly me) to the wind?

Which brings me to The Architect. I went out with him this weekend and he’s a perfect gentlemen and I had a great time with him on our date. He just got back from traveling and I’m heading out on vacation soon, so he asked me which country I wanted to go to – Belgium, France, or Japan. Since I picked Belgium, he took me to a great little restaurant in Hayes Valley – Home Frjts. We had delicious fries and crepes, then walked around the neighborhood a bit before grabbing a cup of coffee in the Lower Haight. The ironic part is that the café he took me to was the same place that Chicken used to take me. And I couldn’t help but make the comparison (in my head, of course). The Architect is a really sweet guy (recall that he sent me a picture of a banana when I was sick) and yet, I had been more drawn to Chicken, a guy that oozed sleaze from every pore.

The Architect did everything right. He was interesting, attentive, talkative, open, gentlemanly, blah, blah, blah. He even sent me a text message right after our date and wrote me an email the next day. I really should be more impressed, or interested, but I’m neither. Perhaps it’s because I still need a bad boy and he is very obviously not one. Or maybe it’s because I have a date with M. Perfect tomorrow and I already know it’ll be…well…perfect.

Do good things come to those who wait?

2006-06-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had dinner with a former colleague that I’ll call McDreamy. For those of you familiar with Grey’s Anatomy, you’ll understand why my name is Meredith and his name is McDreamy. In Episode 1 of Grey’s Anatomy, Meredith has a one-night stand with Dr. McDreamy, a handsome guy she meets at a bar. The next morning on her first day as an intern, she learns that the man she slept with is now her boss. Although my McDreamy is not the love of my life, he is someone that I hooked up with a while ago when we both thought that we would part ways. We were both applying to graduate school and chances were that our paths would not cross again. As fate would have it, we both attend the same graduate school, live within two miles of each other, and attend the same classes.

Despite our past indiscretion, we are now pretty good friends and I feel like I can talk to him about almost anything. Over Osha Thai noodles (which are fantastic, by the way), I asked him how his girlfriend did it. He was the stereotypical bachelor when we were hooking up – just got out of a relationship and wanting the freedom and variety that comes only with being single. He confessed that even as late as January (after they had been dating for a year and a half), he was still having doubts about being in a relationship. But now, he’s totally happy and wonders what was wrong with him. When he told his girlfriend that he loved her after nine months of dating, all she said was, “What took you so long?” Apparently love and being in a relationship do not necessarily go hand-in-hand.

Next to M. Perfect, McDreamy is the best guy I know. I totally respect and admire both of them. They are both very honest, very kind, and guys with a conscience. Two of the best guys I’ve ever, ever met. McDreamy’s advice was to just give M. Perfect more time. He sounds like he’s worth waiting for and McDreamy is now a big believer in patience.

Do good things come to those who wait? Are men really no more complicated than Heinz ketchup? But as a woman who never uses ketchup, I wonder now if it’s because I can’t handle the wait.

Who says I’m a princess?

2006-06-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve always thought of myself as a bit of a princess. Ex-boyfriends almost always spoiled me with jewelry, fancy restaurants, and lavish celebrations on special events. So why do I feel happier and more satisfied after spending a low-key birthday weekend with M. Perfect than I ever did with my ex (even after a fancy dinner at the Ritz-Carlton complete with a Gucci watch)? Who says I’m a princess? Actually a lot of people, but that’s beside the point.

Friday night, we had a small gathering of about 15 close friends at my place for champagne and desserts, after which we went to a nearby club/bar for some dancing. My sister met M. Perfect and gave her first-ever approval of a guy I’m dating (as opposed to her previous proclamation of Chicken as “Utterly Forgettable”).

Then on Sunday, we spent the whole day driving around parts of the Bay Area that we both had never been to - Treasure Island, a park in the East Bay, and San Rafael. We had a lovely picnic on the side of a hill overlooking the water and just talked for hours. The conversation flowed so easily and we talked about everything – family, marriage, children, careers (all in an abstract kind of way…as in not specifically about him and me). But it was really, really nice…reminded me of our first date when we discussed the meaning of life and the role of religion and God and faith.

Of course, I did get a gift from M. Perfect. He wouldn’t be perfect if he didn’t at least show that he remembered my birthday. But he gave me a gift certificate for a private dance lesson – for the two of us. And he gave me his undivided attention for the weekend…what more could a girl ask for?

Does being on Match.com make me a mail-order bride?

2006-06-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

I’ve been sick for several days with strep throat, so I have had plenty of time to lie in bed and respond to Match.com emails. It’s a bit inconvenient that I’m in a “non-relationship” with M. Perfect that takes up all my time! So now that I have a bit of time and privacy, I decided to actually try out this service that I’m paying for.

The top candidates:

The Architect – He’s 28, incredibly sweet, and good-looking. He’s very well-traveled, having lived in France, Australia, and Thailand. He’s not extremely advanced in his career, but he’s ambitious, which is always a good sign. When he found out I was sick, he sent me a picture of a banana saying that the vitamins in it will help me feel better. Bonus points for creativity!

Hottie – There’s just no other name to describe him. He’s HOT! He reminds me a bit of Hugh Grant and I’ve always had a crush on Hugh Grant. I actually “winked “at him (for those who don’t know, winking is how you show someone you’re interested on Match.com) – the only guy I’ve ever winked at. His emails aren’t all that interesting, but he’s still soooooo HOT.

Crazy Korean guy – This guy started off as the NYC Lawyer, but quickly morphed into Crazy Korean guy. He lives in NYC and according to his email is not looking for a 6-month relationship; he’s looking to get married. Warning #1! Most guys don’t say this even if they are looking to get married.

He’s also apparently very successful and is getting promoted and relocating to San Francisco. Okay, that works for me.

But then he mentions that his last two girlfriends cheated on him because he was a workaholic. Fantastic. Warning #2. Guys that have had unfaithful girlfriends…can we say baggage? (If you want to read up more on baggage, I have another post that shows why baggage is not fun.)

Despite these warning signs, I decide to write him back from my Yahoo email account.
Since he only had a 3-day trial, I could no longer write to him through Match.com. And he starts IMing me while I’m sick, asking the most inappropriate questions:

Are you ready to be in a serious relationship moving towards marriage?
What do your parents do for a living?
What do your siblings do for a living?
What do you do for a living?

And then the kicker…How do you feel about dating someone who is very wealthy?

Oh my god, seriously? At the moment, hugely turned off by the possibility. I decide to end this conversation (with a little more decisiveness than my “non-relationship” with M. Perfect) and tell him I need to go because the drugs are kicking in. By the way, did I mention that he didn’t even ask how I was feeling?

Does being on Match.com make me a mail-order bride? He’s obviously looking for someone who fits his mold of a “perfect wife”. That’s not me. I’ll be balancing my career and work and I have no intention of being in anyone’s shadow. I’m sure there are girls out there who would fall all over themselves because of his wealth and education, but his lack of hesitation in flaunting his “assets” makes me not at all interested. A little humility would go a long way…

Lessons learned:

Do not send a strange guy an email from an account that has Instant Message capabilities.
Do not talk to stalkers.
And if you get creeped out, Yahoo! Messenger allows you to block everyone other than the people on your buddy list.

Do fairytales exist in real life?

2006-06-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, I’ve had it with M. Perfect. I was at work, but I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation about his ex from the other night. I’ve barely worked at all in the last two days. I just sit there, staring at my computer screen, rehashing the conversation in my mind. I talked to Yoda about it and she said, “Hon, I think he’s just not ready to be in an exclusive relationship”. It was the last thing I needed to hear and I decided right then and there to end it. So I called M. Perfect at work and asked him to have lunch with me. He knew something was wrong – he kept asking if there’s anything wrong and I kept evading the question…

We had a pretty tense lunch – both of us knowing what was coming at the end. And finally, we were sitting in his car:

Me: Where are you at?

M. Perfect: Well, I really, really like you, and I don’t know why I don’t want more.

Me: Okay…

M. Perfect: Everything is great…at first I thought maybe the chemistry wasn’t right, so I went out with other girls to see if it would be any different. I had no chemistry with any of them, and obviously we have great chemistry, so I don’t know why.

Me: So you’re still seeing other people…

M. Perfect: Yes.

Me: Well, that’s all I needed to hear.

Then I stormed out of his car, and he came after me (at least he did that right). We talked a bit more and then agreed to both think about what we want. We got in our separate cars and headed back to our respective offices. In the car, I thought more about this, “Don’t I deserve to be with someone who’s 100% into me and wants to be with me? Shouldn’t I realize that I’m worth more than this bullshit?” And the more I thought about it, the more upset I got. So I called M. Perfect and told him that I’ve thought about it and I’m worth more than what he was willing to give. And he sounded so sad and asked me if my decision was final and I wavered (like I always do with him because the bottom line is that I don’t want to leave him). And so my two attempts to end the “non-relationship” has only made things more difficult without any resolution.

But it gets worse…

Back at the office, my ability to work has completely been shot to hell. And now that I’m no longer in the heat of the moment and talking to Yoda on IM again, I realize I don’t want to let him go yet. I’ve never heard so much sadness in his voice and I can’t bear to think that I’m causing it. I know he cares, but is that enough? I don’t know! I don’t even know if I want to wake up next to this guy for the rest of my life or if I could give up the idea of falling head-over-heels in love again or the swept-off-my-feet feeling. Is this guy worth giving up the fairy tale? Do fairytales exist in real life? The idea that a real relationship can be like the romance we see in movies? I don’t know.

My conclusion is, “If I don’t know what I want, then why should he know what he wants?” I know I just dragged him through hell, but for today, he’s still worth more than my bullshit.

So I send him an IM: Do you want to have makeup sex tonight?

His answer was yes, and so the saga continues…

We still need to finish our conversation, but like my favorite heroine, Scarlett O’Hara would say, “Tomorrow is another day.”

Can we check off every item on our checklists?

2006-06-12T11:49:00.000-07:00

When did we become more infatuated with the idea of being in love than with love itself? Most women these days, maybe due to media or social pressures, seek out that idealistic form of relationship and before even meeting a guy have already played out the relationship scene by scene, and have prepared their reactions to every possible action the guy may take. When something comes along outside the intended script.. oh beware of that disappointment, that heartbreak, "oh he's such an asshole" when he's been acting upon the assumption that he's starring in a reality show rather than a scripted soap opera.

Most women have a clearer idea of how they want to be swept off their feet than what they want that special someone to be like. And those who've given thought to those precious characteristics have come up with comments such as "I want the renaissance man", or "someone who feels the common man's experience". We want men to jump through hoops, be perfect in every situation, and most importantly love our imperfections and love us for those imperfections.. When did we become full of double standards when we've struggled for so long to rid the world of gender double standards. Men had not asked us to put them on pedestals.. but oh their misfortune if they happen to slip and fall.. Can we check off every item on our checklists?

I've seen my little friend Meredith stumble from guy to guy holding this stencil in her mind with every groove clearly laid out. Little does she know that what men hate most is to be held against that checklist. If he doesn't call, he's damned, and if he calls and didn't say the right thing, he's damned.. we continuously observe and monitor.. making sure they made the one right move.. but at the end we forget that that it's even more of a heartache for us than it is for them.. we have expectations, that of course, they will fall short of.. hence we will always have a sense of un-fulfillment and disappointment.. and what's worse, is we will have a really hard time enjoying the moment and being spontaneous.. there must be a better way for us to find mates and evaluate relationships.. there must be!

Who was at the door in the middle of the night? It was our old baggage!

2006-06-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Last night, M. Perfect and I were lying in bed, winding down and enjoying some pillow talk before we drifted off to sleep. The conversation paused for a minute, and I decided to ask a question that had been haunting me all night and that would probably take us to a place that was not as peaceful as where we were right then. I just couldn't seem to stop myself...

Earlier in the evening, when we were looking at his laptop, trying to decide which theatre to go to, his cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and when I glanced down, I saw that the caller was his ex, Ms. Ghost. He turned the ringer off and put the cell phone back in his pocket without a word. He had told me that she had called before, so why was he hiding it now? And why was his ex still calling in the first place? The girl that he couldn't seem to get over - the one he kept breaking up with and getting back together with. The one who he said, "I knew she wasn't right for me in the long run, but the physical chemistry was just so great." Just what every girl wants to hear.

So the train-wreck of a conversation went like this:

Me: So if you were going to see your ex, you would tell me, right?

M. Perfect: Yeah, sure, if you want to know.

(Pause - this would have been a good time to make any confessions)

Me: And you would have told me, right?

(Another pause)

M. Perfect: Uh, I had dinner with my ex.

Me: Which one?

M. Perfect: Who do you think it was?

Me: Ms. Ghost.

M. Perfect: Yep, good guess.

Me: When?

M. Perfect: Maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago.

Me: And you weren't going to tell me, were you?

M. Perfect: Geez, where's the trust?

Me: (All I wanted to do was scream, "You just threw it out the window." But instead, I said...) You could have told me.

M. Perfect: It was no big deal. It was a last-minute dinner in the South Bay.

Me: And you haven't mentioned it since then?

M. Perfect: I didn't even think about it since it wasn't a big deal.

Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him, but it was to me.

I turned away from him, not wanting him to see my tears. I had trusted him implicitly and unconditionally from the moment I met him, and I mourned the loss of that trust. He almost got away with his lies by omission, and only because I asked him a question without any loopholes, did he finally come clean. It is often difficult to pinpoint the moment one falls in love, but it was pretty easy to pinpoint the exact moment when my faith in him was shattered.

It may seem a bit irrational and and maybe I was overreacting, but I realized it wasn't just the two of us engaged in this converation. Who was at the door in the middle of the night? It was our old baggage!

Perhaps a little history here is in order...Before M. Perfect, I dated a guy I'll call Chicken. I may try to explain the nickname in a later post, but for now, suffice it to say that there's a good reason for his name. Chicken had never gotten over his ex. He had a tattoo of her name on his leg and halfway through my "hanging out" with him, he started talking to his ex again and everything went downhill (not that it was really going uphill). In general, I feel like it's hard enough competing against real live women with their real life flaws. But it's nearly impossible to compete with a memory of a woman whose flaws have been smoothed over with the passage of time...and this is why I hate exes. But the thing I hate most in this world is being lied to. And I never would have expected this from M. Perfect...and it hurt.

When I got up this morning to go to work, I surveyed the damage that served as proof of last night's visitor. Tissues strewn all over the floor, my eyes swollen nearly shut, a headache that rivaled any hangover, and M. Perfect tossing and turning. Physically, he was the same, but to me, he was no longer the M. Perfect I knew. The late-night visitor didn't stay very long, but it took my Trust with it when it left. I don't know if it was his baggage or mine that paid us a visit last night, but like any bad guest, it certainly left a big mess behind.

Calling Emily Post...where are you?

2006-06-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have to tell you that this Match.com thing is a pretty good boost for the old ego, which a single girl could use a bit of every now and then. My profile was approved and posted by the gods at Match.com on Saturday and within 5 minutes, I had my first wink. Within the last few days, I've received a deluge of winks and emails. And if I learned anything in operations, I learned that you'll never "catch up" if your inflow is greater than your outflow.

If dating wasn't hard enough for the modern woman, what with all the "Who pays for dinner?" and "Is email an acceptable medium for asking someone out?", this online dating arena adds a whole other dimension of ambiguity. The modern woman needs some guidelines on etiquette. Calling Emily Post...where are you?

Honestly, I cannot respond to all these winks and emails. And I'm not saying this because I think I'm super-cute or that my profile is all that interesting...it's actually not all that great. It's just the dynamics of online dating. Girls just sit back and see what guys come to them. And even then, it's too many. I think every girl on Match.com is inundated with too many fish in the sea. What do you do? Do you respond to every guy who emails you? Who winks at you? It takes time to read all these profiles!

I'm really behind in trying to figure out what these guys are all about, especially since I cannot do any Match.com-related stuff when I hang out with M. Perfect. And since I'm still having a great time with M. Perfect, I'm not all that motivated to respond to these guys...until today.

M. Perfect and I were having a conversation with a friend of his and he turned to me, and said, "By the way, I forgot to tell you, I'm going on vacation. I'm going to Spain with Yoda." And since we were in the middle of the conversation with his friend, I couldn't even respond to his flippant comment. He knows I'm planning a vacation and that I'm flexible on dates and destination, but he would apparently rather go on vacation with Yoda (not that I blame her, because I love my Yoda) than with me. This is the same guy who flew down to Mexico to spend 2 days with me just 3 weeks after our 1st date. I don't know what happened since then, but I guess I've been reprioritized.

Ooh, he makes me so mad. And when I'm angry, I do things I wouldn't normally do...like wink back at strangers on Match.com.

Let the games begin...

When it comes to online dating sites, is lying really lying or is it just good advertising?

2006-06-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally did it...I posted my profile and picture on Match.com for the whole world to see. Part of me is really embarrassed that people might find out. The other part of me says, "So what? Everyone does it. I know I'm cute enough to get a date, but this is more efficient"...and efficiency is something I appreciate.

I say I appreciate efficiency, but good lord, was it cumbersome to set this thing up. I don't think my mother knows this much information about me (and I know for a fact that M. Perfect doesn't). Hair color, eye color, height, weight, turn-ons, turn-offs, pets, intention to have children, marital status...blah, blah, blah, the list goes on and on...and on and on. And when you're done, you have to do the exact same thing about who you want to meet. And when you're done with that, you get to write a personal essay! It took me three days to complete this thing, and I'm still not happy with my profile. Oh, and let's not forget the photo you have to upload...this sucks more than trying on swimsuits.

During this 3-day ordeal, I chat with my friends and look at their profiles. Like I said before, I'm not doing this alone! They must be doing something right because they're definitely not lacking for attention. And I notice that one of my friends has listed her height as 5'1". Now I know she's not 5'1". I know this because I'm 5'2" and I feel very tall standing next to her...which is a very odd feeling for me, but a feeling I like. So we chat...

Me: Are you really 5'1"?

Teeny: No, not really.

Me: But your profile says 5'1".

Teeny: Yeah, I added an inch or two. I figure I'm about 5'1" with heels.

Hmmm...when it comes to online dating sites, is lying really lying or is it just good advertising? By this calculation, I would list my height as 5'4" or 5'5", which sounds way better than 5'2".

If you add a few inches to your height because you always wear heels...lying or good advertising?If you say your education level is a graduate degree, but you haven't finished yet...lying or good advertising?If you Photoshop your pictures...lying or good advertising?If you really do care that your potential date makes at least $75,000 (because you don't want to be a sugar mama and you make more than that), but you say you don't care about income...lying or good advertising?

The verdict: 5'2" and indifferent to income. So I compromised a bit on the truth. It's a good thing "integrity" and "moral conviction" were not categories we had to rate ourselves on. But I guess we would all lie anyway.

Will it matter in the end? We shall see...

When did "relationship" become a four-letter word?

2006-05-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

It's 2006 and the liberated single women of the world (or at least in San Francisco) can say and do whatever we want. We can date multiple guys at the same time, we can walk into a bar and hook up, we can have sex on the first date...we can do whatever we want. We can talk religion and politics and discuss sex toys over sushi...we can say whatever we want.

Except that we can't.

There are a whole bunch of words we cannot say. And the word that tops the list..."relationship". It's certainly been a while since I've met a guy who I would even consider boyfriend material, so the idea of being in a relationship hasn't at all appealed to me. But now that I've met someone I actually like (okay, maybe adore), I live in fear of accidentally saying "relationship" and sending him running out the door. I admit that my own experience in the dating arena is rather limited, but when did "relationship" become a four-letter word?

A couple days ago, I woke up in the arms of M. Perfect, whom I've been dating for over 3 months. And he really is perfect...smart, charming, confident, successful, attentive, caring, and so kind (the man has a heart of gold). He's good to everyone - his family, his friends, and me...okay, okay, enough with the adoration. Bottom line: he's one of the good guys.

So we're in that blissful part of waking up - half dreaming, half waking and all tangled up in each other. He knows "the talk" is coming. He's known it for a while. But it's probably a discussion he didn't expect at 7 a.m. The conversation was thankfully short...

Me: So you know I really like you. And I love hanging out with you.

M. Perfect: Yeah? Me, too.

Me: Is that all we're doing? Hanging out?

M. Perfect: Like right now?

Me: No, more like in general. As in...are we just hanging out? It's my understanding that we can do whatever we want. Is that your understanding?

M. Perfect: Yes, that's my understanding.

The End!

The entire "discussion" was like playing the game Taboo. The object of the game is to make your team guess a keyword, without saying the "taboo" words. If you say one of the forbidden words, the other team buzzes you and you lose...Game over!

In the dating game, the taboo words are:

RELATIONSHIP
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Future
Dating
Where is this going?

I didn't actually use any of these words, but I also didn't get a confession of undying love, either. So after 3 months of dating (and I mean serious dating 3-4 times a week) and 30 seconds of conversation, I find myself quite single...and contemplating Match.com. I've heard it's a lot of fun, you meet a ton of available men, and you figure out what you want from a guy (which, according to all my friends, I could use some help with).

I'm a little nervous to do this alone, so my married friend who is wise beyond her years when it comes to the male mind, is going to help me through this. Yoda, as I call her, will be the sane voice in my head (and on this blog) as I wander into this unknown realm of online dating. By the way, Yoda was also the matchmaker that introduced M. Perfect and me. It's not that I want to be exclusive (given the lack of knowledge of what I want from a guy), but is it too much to ask to have the guy I date absolutely adore me? I guess I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. I'll keep dating M. Perfect, while exploring the fish in the Match.com sea.

So I guess M. Perfect isn't perfect after all. He's really M. Perfect-Except-He-Doesn't-Know-If-He-Wants-To-Be-With-Me, but that's a really long name. I guess it's his lucky day...he's still M. Perfect. Perhaps on a technicality or perhaps because I still adore him.